You cannot change the people around you, but you can change the people you choose to be around
TENET TUESDAY LESSON
GOODBYE, GOODBYE to all the fake people in my life
I never wanted you around me so be on your way now
You better think twice before you let people in your life
Cause when you put down, no one is around you
You got a case of the fake people.
We’ve all come across them. We’ve been hurt or betrayed by them. Some of us have even had our heart broken by them. I’m referring to toxic people, frenemies or fake friends. Last week I received a text from a ‘friend’ who I hadn’t talked to in a little bit, who popped back in to acknowledge that she had purposefully missed wishing me a happy birthday because of a different situation that was going on with a mutual colleague she had introduced me to.
Even though she’s talked trash about this other woman and labeled her unenjoyable, abrasive and hard to get along with, she went on a self-righteous schpiel about how I could tell her my side if things if I wanted (as if it was magically decided she was judge and jury), all the while repeatedly stating that she did not want to get involved in the situation. In the process of her theatrics, she managed to kick the hornets nest of the other situation which had been laid to rest. The only response I gave her was a loaded ‘wow’ text, which we all know really means ‘are you really this stupid?’ I had nothing more to say to a girl who I knew was a toxic frenemy, so a ‘wow’ was all she deserved.
There isn’t a single person this girl hasn’t said nasty or condescending things about (including myself, I’m sure). I started reflecting on that after the last time we hung out mid-summer when she gossiped badly about a girl we then hung out with all afternoon, who was lovely. I realized when it comes down to it, I didn’t really have much respect for her because our friendship was a draining lie in which I played the constant ego-booster and she played the misunderstood girl still trying to get her life together. Long before our friendship ended with a ‘wow’ text, I had been over it, I could see looking back.
A wise women once told me, if you’re doing the personal work you’re supposed to be doing in this life, some people will be on your journey lifelong, but most people will not. You grow, you change, your boundaries get more defined and you learn that putting up with toxic people will only bring more toxicity in your life. Are you allowing people who hurt you a permanent position in your life? If so, it’s not worth it. It can be scary to set a boundary or remove someone from your life, but really it’s the only way if you don’t want to get dragged into their mess. It sucks, but some people really thrive on chaos + will pull people into the mix because it gives them a little bit of happiness in their otherwise sad or empty lives.
If you find yourself constantly questioning a relationship that makes you more stressed, sad, or upset than happy, chances are you’re dealing with someone who is toxic and not your friend, because in truth- they’re probably not happy with themselves + taking it out on you. But that’s not your problem to sort out! The only thing you need to sort out is how to break up with them and keep them out of your life! Which brings us to…
6 Steps to Breaking Up with Frenemies + Toxic People
Remind yourself you don’t owe your time, attention, or love to anyone – it’s a privilege and a gift, not a mandatory action from you. Boundaries are important and if you’re spending time with someone who doesn’t respect them, it’s important to make your happiness priority number #1 by giving them the boot if they refuse to play nice.
Stop the instant replay! It’s harsh but it’s over and what’s done is done, so now it’s time to let it go. Replaying the scenario in your head a million times is not constructive + not going to be healthy for you. Scream into a pillow, cry, go running or carve out some retail therapy time to shift your energy so you can begin to move on.
DELETE. Phone numbers, emails, texts, social media follows… everything. Don’t even think about stalking either because this will keep you connected + chances something you read/see will make you angry, sad, upset or annoyed. Why do that to yourself? Disconnect from them entirely + don’t ask friends to keep you filled in on gossip.
Focus on healthy relationships. It can feel as if there is a void when you remove a toxic person from your life. You want to be careful not to let nostalgia make you think about re-entering a relationship with that person, so nurture the fun + healthy relationships you already have and work on creating new ones with fun and respectful people.
Forgive. Forgiving doesn’t mean you accept or will put up with their behaviour. Forgiving is about letting go so you can move on with your life.
Don’t feel guilty! Your happiness is a priority and someone who drains your happiness or confidence is not healthy to be around. You don’t ever need to feel guilty or apologetic for making changes to your life or the people you choose to keep in your life.